I Am Dizturb'd

One of my favorite pastimes is writing—poetry, reflections, short stories, essays, stream of consciousness, etc.  It is something I love, but it is also something I spend the least of amount of time doing unless it is required for school. The problem is not that I am actually too busy to write.  The problem is that I do not dedicate the time to brainstorm and gather and analyze my thoughts so that I can transfer those thoughts to paper.  

Since I finished school last week, I freed up some time in my schedule.  To occupy that time, I borrowed my dad’s bike and decided to ride it around the block.  A few spins around the block turned into riding for a few miles around the city.  It wasn’t a conscious decision, but I actually had a chance to get out and exercise which is something I have been putting off forever. 

For the last week, bike riding has become my new hobby.  Each day, I push myself a little further while bike riding. This has not only made me feel better physically, but I have also found time to gather my thoughts.  When I am bike riding, I am free from the phone, books, homework, video games, the computer, and television.

While I am peddling and enjoying the wind in my face, I have time to think about all of the little things that I don’t get to think about and analyze.  I think about the future, personal relationships, past choices, and much more.  I get to think about all of the things that usually stress me out, but that I don’t dedicate enough time to. 

As I finally take the time to exercise and make my body stronger, I also have the opportunity to make my mind stronger.  Everyday that I ride, I am challenging my mind to think beyond repetitive homework, or coming up with witty status messages on Facebook and Twitter, or how I can beat the next level of Angry Birds.  I have decided that as a part of my daily routine, I will start journaling after my bike ride.  I will finally start thinking more analytically about the thoughts that flow through my head everyday.  I can finally tap back into my creative side as I flush out new ideas and put them down on paper.  I will now dedicate more time to making my mind and body stronger. 

Kick me while I’m down, but remember that at my best, I am better than you.

Sometimes I look at how much further I’d be in life without making foolish mistakes, but I realize they’ve shaped me into who I am.  I could have finished college twice by now, but instead I dropped out of and back into school, held jobs that I hated, ruined my credit along the way, and a few other things I won’t go into detail about.  Even though I’m living the consequences, I know there are underlying benefits. Had I completed school in 2007 as planned, with no real goals or direction in life, I would have probably professionally peaked as a manager in retail or selling insurance.  Now, I have lived life and realized what direction I want to take and what I have to do to accomplish the great things I want to accomplish.  I’ve discovered aspects of myself, that helped me shape these goals, that I probably would have never found had I taken the clean cut, safe route.  I’m getting a late start, but I feel like life is just now beginning for me.

End rant.

In the last several months, I have had some very painful reminders of how damaging some of my vices and guilty pleasures are.  On many occasions, I have made poor choices that could have ruined me professionally, academically, and physically.  Upon receiving numerous wake-up calls, I had decided to make some major changes in my life. 

The progress I made was refreshing and rewarding.  It put me in a much happier place, both figuratively and literally.  I actually changed my environment so that I would not be tempted to engage in old behaviors.

Unfortunately, this happiness was only temporary.  I soon went from reasonable environmental changes to severely alienating myself.  I became a hermit; the total opposite from the person with commendable social skills that I once was.  As an alternative to actual face-to-face interactions with the outside world, I became a social networking addict. I began to spend an abnormal amount of hours ranting on websites such as Facebook and Twitter. 

I had to stop and reflect.  During my period of alienation, I was left alone with just my thoughts and no outside influences.  I was able to ask myself, “Why am I still upset if I am no longer indulging in dangerous behaviors?” 

I realized that I had no set plan for the next phase of my growth process.  The dangerous behaviors and unhealthy environments were only a small part of a much larger problem.  I never addressed my own insecurities that led me to these mentally and emotionally damaging behaviors. 

This weekend, after conversations with a few of my closest and most brutally honest friends, I was able identify and analyze the personal issues that often lead me to search for instant gratification as a means of distracting myself from my personal issues. 

My sudden addiction to social networking sites is a perfect example of my habit of going for instant gratification.  I settled for virtual connections to mask my own insecurities about making genuine connections.  Withdrawing from social environments only increased my need to find a substitute for making meaningful connections with others.  Upon realizing this problem, I followed the same pattern of removing the guilty pleasure, instead of dealing with the real issue underneath.  This explains my recent disappearance from Twitter and Facebook. 

I have successfully proven that I can exercise will power when I have to resist dangerous and unhealthy choices.  I am ready for the next step in personal growth.  Now, when I engage in behaviors that aren’t in my best interest, I will make every attempt to identify and understand why I engage in these behaviors.